I was about 17 and was studying sitting on the bed of my room. I was in high school and I really loved studying very much. My dream was to travel and discover the world, but it was not yet clear to me how I could make that dream come true; there seemed to be no space in my life for something like that. In fact I wasn’t that ambitious and I was even scared to make assumptions about great projects. After all, who was I to aim high and dare to stand out from the normality that everybody else was doing? Actually nobody!
However, something surprising happened that day when I was sitting on my bed: a clear message arrived from an unspecified place of the universe. It was like a thought coming from my heart, free from the weight of thoughts coming from the mind that are full of an invisible content, well beyond the words they are made with. That thought said: “I cannot do what my parents did!” I tried to decipher it using the usual mental patterns but, coming from my heart, I could not understand it. I only know I desperately burst into tears without an apparent, valid reason. Images of my parents’ life started flowing in my mind: simple and hard working people who taught me a lot and to whom I’m grateful for what I’m now. In a time out of time, I saw my life flowing in the same way: I would have done the same things even though adapting them to the time when I was existing. In that precise moment I saw and unconsciously understood that lives are only a repetition that we do not perceive as such because we are confused by different appearances. My grandparents had been farmers, my parents had “freed” themselves from that destiny and did something else, I was studying and would have done something else, too. Apparently they are different lives, but I perceived that nothing was actually changing: genetic patterns were repeating, along the same carousel, and this made me feel a profound desperation. I went on crying and repeating: “I cannot do what my parents did, I can’t…” but I could not find a way out, that moment was out of time and I could not find a place for it in my time, I could not shape it as a project; therefore I thought: “what can I do with this?”. Suddenly the magic broke. The heart had given its message that, not understood, had been swallowed by the mind that answered: “well, you will graduate, find a job, marry, have children etc.” A normal life that could go unnoticed. Using my mind that life became right and unquestionable and I prepared myself to live it. My desire was lost or maybe it returned to that time out of time.
After a couple of years I graduated and found a job (actually a job found me!). My desire was to continue my studies, but the genetic trace where I was moving my first steps as a young adult said you cannot quit a job when it is so difficult to find one. Consequently I started working and enrolled in the night college with the illusion to keep alive that desire, that was lighter than air.
The first time I entered the lecture room my heart stopped beating: it was huge, wonderful, wooden benches, paintings on the walls, austere like an old English lord. And I? The desire was again knocking the door of my heart; I could hear it even though its voice was weaker than years before when I was 17 (or maybe I was deafer to its call) and once again the same question: “what can I do with that, how can I have such an ambition, how can I find a place in my life for such a big thing if I have no great project to achieve?” Even my brain shut and, without using it, I decided I could stay in that place. My desire went back to its time out of time and I remained in that time of my life repeating what my parents had done, i.e. not attending university. I can’t even remember how it happened, but I no more stepped foot in that room. To consolidate the genetic trace where I was now practising walking, shortly after I met my future husband. An actually happy marriage, although it ended years later.
After many years I understood that our reality, the time we perceive as mono-dimensional is actually multi-dimensional. That light desire I perceived is out of the mental dimension and out of the body with which I live my life. Yet it is part of me and actually it is the expression of my most authentic part. They are two parallel realities; they live together even though on different planes of existence and on different energies. Out there everything potentially exists, in here everything is already created and there is no surprise: our only choice is among the various options already in existence. That desire is so light because it hasn’t a past where it has crystallized; it is free and looking for a heart making it true. My heart heard it but, unfortunately, didn’t have the force to seize, defend and realize it. My life would have been different if I did have that force. I would be different because when you lose sight of your wish, you lose sight of yourself and this is a mistake, a big mistake. In such a way we put our life on our genetic track and we revisit similar emotions and experiences, even though attuned to the reality of the linear time where we are living.
In the hard time we are currently experiencing both as individuals and collectively, I think only the desire of our most authentic part can save us. It is living out of time, but can determinate a new path in the time where we are living. That desire comes from our heart and our heart can only wish the best for us and the entire mankind. If we hold on to our heart as if it was an anchor, we will find the way to bring in our life the expression of that desire that can only contain common good, dignity and growth of consciousness. That desire has no past and can consequently create a new experience that does not ground its roots in the failures of the past. If it is conscious of itself it can draw lessons from past experiences, but it will write a new end: the one it wishes for. The more we are, the highest and thunderous the voice of our hearts will be.
To the question: and what about your desire? I wish I will never ever find myself in the condition to answer: I lost sight of it, unfortunately…
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Translation by Graziella Cella